Everyone is Lying To You + Influencer Culture

It’s so rare these days that I get to devour an entire book whole in a few sittings. Normally, my reading material is laborious and feels much like strength training for my mind- however this time something finally broke. There have been numerous weeks now of internal crisis brewing within me about all sectors simultaneously that have included a wasp infestation in the house and yard, and while I have conquered my phobia and am quite proud of that fact now- it has been a great gaping void of nonstop frustration that I simply cannot seem to close. The days are long and heavy; if you look too long at me I bet you could see the gears spinning on camera even though I try very hard to clear my head before I start for the night.

So in the midst of my cognitive turmoil, I took myself over to the local bookshop because Astaroth normally speaks to me through books and I have been avoiding the place with some serious effort for a year. Yes, a year, and I am not proud of it. Simply put, I had the strangest sensation the last time I was in the store that I was a nuisance, and wasn’t able to shake it mentally or physically for some time. Call it autistic pattern recognition in overdrive, a lifetime of watching my parents interact with people and taking notes, or a sixth sense, but there is nothing I deem as unforgivable as being the person who posts up inside a store and seems to hold the very oxygen captive with my presence. Of course, this was entirely a projected situation on my part, but we’ll get into that in a bit. 

As I perused the shelves, I already knew one book I would be taking home with me: Jo Piazza’s Everyone is Lying to You. If you know anything about me, you know that Astaroth having an appearance in The Sicilian Inheritance solidified Piazza as a permanent favorite of mine, so I knew at some level this would be a book I connect with on a level that can transcend my own bullshit. Deeply desirable, because if there is any head I am trying very hard not to live in right now- it's my own.

The story of Everyone is Lying to You is simple: Gone Girl with tradwives. It’s the story of two best friends who fell out of touch upon leaving college. One friend went on to become one of the world’s most successful influencers, and the other is a struggling editor who is living a life devoted to her family and her principles. A tale of two lives that have dramatically different feelings: one is gilded and beautiful for Instagram, the other is mundane but well loved and happily lived in. Naturally, the influencer friend named Bex sends her old ghosted college friend Emily looking for her in a hunt that spans the internet and IRL domains alike. This is a book that confronts what you as the reader consider your public facing image, your brand, versus what feels authentic to your person and what guides you as a result. There is no better book I could have read in this time period, even though it is honestly devastating me as I turn each page. 

You see, I am navigating a social exodus of my own devising, and so there are many wounds that are being pricked to the surface as I read about Emily and Rebecca’s dissolved friendship, the contrast in their marriages, and witness Emily trying to pursue what seems to be the tattered thread of Rebecca’s credibility. I understand Emily's perspective, and feel that the deepest parts of the novel involve connecting to the way she is trying to see the best in the former best friend of Bex that left her behind so effortlessly years prior. I see my own projected patterns of believing the best in people who have done me wrong, and my heart hurts for Emily. Equally, this novel is unique as both women are equally individuals that are comforting to connect to. In some sense I have been both Emily and Rebecca, sometimes at the same time, and almost always towards myself. Perhaps everyone who reads this novel will indeed identify to such a degree, but I doubt it, the book feels almost as if I manifested it out of thin air to help me confront my own garbage about streaming and existing in the public eye. 

There is no part of me that desires to have a gilded feed, so reading about the entire world of online influencers and the degree to which they are lying about their lives is nauseating me. Every affair with a friend’s husband or wife, every fake interaction, every staged kitchen or bedroom behind the content- it makes my stomach burn and my face heat up. There is nothing in all the world I believe I desire less than to have this gilded reality, where everyone is a stage actor and there are no actual friendships- only alliances. It’s all disgusting, it’s all lying, and it makes me think the worst about humanity and the people around me while questioning their motives. Several times I have ripped myself out of the cruelest and most derisive commentary imaginable about people I have known in my life while reading this book. There have been moments where I have put this book down in heartbroken rage, mind spinning, as I projected my nonsense onto even those I used to know and wondered if any of them have been up to just this sort of horrible behavior. At moments I have had to take myself to get an extra 10,000 steps in my day just to clear my head from all the thinking, from all the perpetuating, from all the disgust.

Many times during this book I have found myself engrossed and enraptured, relating so strongly that the urge to stop reading simply could not be honored. The pages flew past, I devoured this book from cover to cover, and I make absolutely no excuses for it- it was badly needed. So many times my face flushed an angry red that bruised into purple, I wanted to throw the book because now I could not unsee the horrible world that I have purposely positioned myself outside of. Even as I sit here writing this post, I am moving from a lens of quiet discomfort that I cannot shake and I cannot unsee due to how much suspicion my brain feels sliding through it at a given time.

The questions this book has asked me, directly, as a content creator:

Can I let it all go?

Can I surrender?

Can I accept what rejection and failure would mean about me?

*****

For those that have been reading along faithfully, you have figured out by now that my favorite books are those that are capable of making me feel the most unwanted of sensations and drag me to the pinnacle of my emotional range. Reader, this book is that cure for what I call the “streaming bug”. Every now and then, I get just too damned deep into my own head about the entire operation of streaming video games, think myself too big for my britches, and start trailing off into these absolutely insufferable commentaries on the industry or current trends. I know I do it and it infuriates me, because all of the people I miss are the same people I would speak to about these things directly, but instead I have only empty air and no one to dialogue with about my own industry observations or ask questions to. It all makes me want to stuff myself into a woodchipper or drive off a bridge, because what on earth I am even speaking about becomes some abstract nonsense that an average person looks at with the same mild concern I would gaze at delusions with. It feels like being locked inside the same closet Bex found herself in, clawing at nothing, screaming for air.

It’s infuriating to read a book that is so perfectly on the nose about all the things I despise in my own industry, while also recognizing that I have the same negative tendencies that I am reading about albeit in a minor form. How many times I’ve clicked “start streaming” when what I really want to do is curl up in bed with a book and have someone to call on Discord and yap to for hours. How many times I have received the most unhinged and unhealthy messages known to mankind, full blown delusions from my viewers or others’ viewers about fantasy scenarios they have designed in their minds and projected onto me- and how many times I have likely created my own projected fan fiction inside my mind and have hurt others with it too. It's all gross, and reading about it is like wading through sewage.

At my core, I do not want a fake life that I want to run away from. If a man approached me and even so much as had the idea that we would have a relationship that existed in front of a camera for views, I would leave in a heartbeat. There is simply no quantity of money that justifies living a life that is not truly mine, and I would rather it be messy and authentic than gilded and manicured any day. Are my posts cringe worthily? Absolutely. Sure, it’s lovely when something mundane in life lines up for a perfect photo that gets a bunch of attention, or when people are really pleased for your success out loud in a tangible way in one’s everyday life and you get to feel that warm glow of public approval, but these are not the same thing as row after row of sycophants telling a creator what they want to hear while enabling their worst behavior openly. If I wanted an angry mob, I’m sure I could create one, but I don’t- I’m an average person who just really loves streaming video games and laughing with my friends. 

The reality is, I have to digest that I may not actually ever be successful in this industry because of that truth sitting firmly inside me. There will be no photo ops in some gilded Italian mansion where I pretend I’m baking delicacies for a camera and pretending that my makeup doesn’t smear or that we didn’t just have a blowout fight only hours before. There will be no faking it like a porcelain doll for the camera while behind the scenes I sob in the shower for an hour and struggle not to kill myself. There will be no Instagram feed of manicured, picture perfect garbage that is just plain lying to the people that I value- I would rather be honest. If what my life turns into is that I tried content creation and wasn't successful- so be it. If I wind up never being successful in Twitch or Youtube or any content creation, I can find a way for that to be fine by me- as long as my life is my own. The thing I refuse to sacrifice is throwing my authenticity on the altar for views. I've fought hard to get here, and I deserve to live a life where I don't want to die simply because I can't access what others seem to seize upon with ease.

Part of why I don’t wear revealing clothing, even though it would get me more likes and views, or post selfies, is rooted in this mentality. To be perfectly honest, after being raped eight times the only ones I would allow to see my body are people who I know for a fact that I can trust because I feel that trust vibrating through my core in their presence. Exposing myself on camera, angling for the attention of an audience I flat out do not respect the views of, disgusts me. Why would I post thirst traps to social media when most of the time I am not even sure if there is anything to be thirsty FOR in this body that has been abused so many times? The love that flows through me for my body dictates that it is not going to be out here like a buffet item for everyone to consume unless that is a choice I consciously make with an outfit. Having my worth tied to my appearance would devastate me, in a way that is familiar and crushing from childhood, and I will not go back to it.

There are so many of my own issues I have been working out internally, and really getting healthy about, and Everyone is Lying to You has helped me tackle a large one: can I handle being a failure in content creation? I think I can, and I think that the more that I wrap my arms around the idea that I do not have to be “the best” streamer (whatever that means) but can simply enjoy the process of showing up authentically- which will increase the fun I am having, therefore the better the time will be. It has been a long time coming, but I do not want whatever the standard influencer culture is. 

What I want, if I were to center myself in my body right now, are real long deep talks on Discord that keep me happily awake till late into my own timezone and nobody cares because it’s friends who do what I do and respect that we can afford to sleep in. I desire connections where I laugh so hard that I cannot breathe on camera and nearly topple to the ground. Food that both tastes good and is joyfully received even if it doesn’t look like a Michelin chef provided it on camera. I want to love things because I love them, feel things because I feel them, and be able to show up and talk about it without making everyone miserable from a lack of boundaries, but in a transparent way that actually allows others to see the real person underneath all of my own preconceived notions of what streaming means to me. If I love a game, I plan to love it out loud- vulgarity included.

The question is asked: who actually shows up and is really themselves on camera?

ME. I DO. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Of course I'm angry, what the fuck do you mean most of these people just lie, or create personas? That has never even been an option that entered my mind, Ephy is not a persona- EPHY IS THE ACTUAL ME.

What is missing from my life is true joy, and in the pursuit that I keep projecting onto everything of “making it” I have only been making myself more miserable. That ends today, because joy is what I choose- bliss is what I choose, even if I don’t have anything in my life to show those results to me yet. It has to be out there, and no matter what I will not sacrifice my soul believing it exists only when I show up as “perfect”. I refuse to believe that all of content creation has to be fake, has to be lying, and has to be a gilded cage.

So thank you Jo, almost on the anniversary of me reading The Sicilian Inheritance, for the beautiful gift that has been Everyone is Lying To You. While I won't spoil how the story ends, I will tell you this much Reader: it will force you to deeply examine yourself in ways that do actually feel good in the end, even if it's a rough go.